ENCHANTÉ – MARS MAN AT THE FRIENDS
The Swamp Mars Man
Mars Man is invited by the FRIENDS at the Hullahoo Bar to discuss America and The Swamp.
Frank: “Welcome Mars. Great you could join our Hullahoo drinks. It’s good to hear your first name is where you come from and your family name means humankind. Interesting! Have a beer! I understand you drink the same stuff we do when you are in your earthly frame.”
Mars: “Yes, I do. Thanks for inviting me. Mars Man is my local ID. Katherine, my earthly wife from Nebraska, carries the same last name, and so do our two mixed-race boys who live here.”
Frank: “Exciting! Mars, all our friends here tonight are dying to have your views of current America. It has been an upsetting period for us all. How do you guys on Mars look at it?”
Mars Man: “As you know, Mars is a few light years ahead of Mother Earth so we do not connect all that well with your squabbles. They’re sort of Medieval to us, in your terms. Katherine and I consider your current state of affairs in dire straits, politically speaking. An oncoming trainwreck. An ominous debacle, like a meteor hitting you to smithereens, unless you cut the crap, using your language.”
Melissa: “Mars, how did you get here, are you an illegal Alien?”
Mars: “No Miss, I carry a green card. Katherine who you may know from Omaha TV owns a cornfield near Omaha, where I land with Mars Scooter One, but there is no border post.”
Mary: “How did you meet Katherine?”
Mars: “In the cornfield where I land. When I stepped out of Mars Scooter One, she was there, picking corn for dinner. As I changed into my human costume it was love at first sight.”
Mary: “Oh! That’s a wonderful love story!”
Frank: “So Mars, what crap do we have to cut?”
Mars: “To begin with, stop shooting yourself in the foot all the time. As soon as the U.S. elects its president, you start doing everything possible to make it impossible for that president to govern.”
Melissa: “And whose fault is that?”
Mars: “Your Swamp’s.”
Mary: “Forgive me, Mars, but can you help me with my gas bill?”
Fred: “Come on, Mary, ask your boyfriend or get the gas from the Swamp. You can smell it miles away. It’s gassing whole D.C. How do you define our Swamp, Mars?”
Mars: “Those who mind the store in the U.S. and want to stay in power, whether Democrats or NTs.”
Tom: “NTs?
Mars: “Never Trumpers. One is from Utah.”
Cindy: Will we ever get rid of the Swamp?”
Mars: “No. The Swamp has become a fixed part of the American scene. It’s there to stay. They are those who live behind your steep fences, thick oak doors, in luxury highrises, fashionable quarters of D.C., New York, L.A., and San Francisco.”
Melissa: “What do people on Mars think of our politics?”
Mars: “We don’t like that your politicians want to invade Mars. When you do, we’ll have a Made in China Virus waiting for you free of charge.”
Ted: “You wouldn’t welcome us? We just paid you a beer.”
Mars: “If you find a Martian wife, she may manage to sneak you in. But we have different bodies and use electrodes for sex, so to make one pregnant may not be easy for you.”
Caithlyn: “So what’s the trainwreck, Mars?”
Mars: “Bernie Sanders will be elected President because he gives everybody a free lunch, and when the money is up, you guys have to pay all that back and live on a basic salary that won’t be enough to have a beer.”
Melissa: “That just seems fine to me. I like socialism. Everybody in the same boat, no jealousy of the Jones’s. Why is that a trainwreck?”
Mars: Because everybody will be miserable, except those in power, and everyone who protests against the government will be imprisoned in gulags or retraining camps.”
Caithlyn: “But that is Marxist. Communist. Americans are not like that.”
Mars: “Bernie is, and many voting Americans think he’s the greatest mind who’s ever set foot on Earth.”
Frank: “A horrible prediction, Mars. How can you be so sure?”
Mars: “It’s been written on the wall. Bloomberg will be Bernie’s vassal because he couldn’t get elected. In compensation, Bloomberg will combine and lead State, Treasury, and Defense all together, like his company, and join hands with China where he got all his money. No trade wars anymore, and China will take over your market with Bloomberg owning a main share. This way they will outmaneuver Russia, Bernie’s former buddies. Bernie wouldn’t need money for Tomahawks anymore, and can spend it all on free university and Medicare for All.”
Frank: “Why would Bernie do that? He went to Moscow on honeymoon.”
Mars: “Putin double-crossed him with a cyber attack on his FeelTheBern. com site after Bernie scolded Putin for meddling in the US elections to support Hillary and accused Putin of over the top militarism.”
Tom: “And what happens to us?”
Mars: “You’ll all be equal, eat kale, cauliflower, spinach, or some stale Chinese carry-outs, drink no beer and only small sodas. Cable news is gone as all news will be democrat state news, which is not much different from today. All former anchors and TV prima donnas will be sent to retraining camps and their overpaid salaries confiscated to pay for the student debt.”
Mary: “But what would you do with Katherine and the boys?”
Mars: “We have an undisclosed location in the Caribbean where only I can land. Katherine and the boys will be self-sufficient there, even if Mother Earth goes to pot.”
Jason enters with a platter of new beers. “Hi everyone, this is offered for free by Bernie Sanders. But you must vote for him. Any takers?”
Melissa: “I’ll have one, thanks.”
Mary: “Me too, I take anything that’s free.”
Jason: “But you must sign your name on this ballot. Any more?”
Silence.
Frank: “We’ll pay for them, Jason, as long as we can.”
Washington Dances the Cakewalk
with 
and
Kathryn of Omaha TV
Omaha TV’s Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms Show is on and millions of viewers tune in.
Kathryn: Hello, dear viewers, my husband Mars Man is here with us on the occasion of the elections in the USA and we have the fortitude of receiving him in our studio today together with our beloved panel: Paul Turnmeon, Fred Miserable, Bob Demmofool, Charlene Knowitall, Marlene Femenazi and Henriette Forgetmenot. Mars Man, your views on the American election results.
Mars Man: “Like rain in space. Incredible. I heard that the tenant in the Whitehouse climbed the fence, but on the way out, not to be seen again. Like the Halloween scene we reported last week.”
Kathryn: “What do you think of the American two-party system? Does it work?”
Mars Man: “As good as a worn-out couple in bed. Adultery is the only option for survival.”
Kathryn: “But with whom can they commit adultery?”
Mars Man: “They should call back the Founding Fathers for a transformation of America. Clearly, the one advocated by the current tenant of the White House was an outright aberration. I told you that six years ago, but no one wanted to believe me, and some others, who raised the red flag.”
Kathryn: “But what transformation should the Founding Fathers consider?”
Mars Man: “Try the parliamentary system. The Presidential system lures people to the job who bank on their smiles and populist manners, but are not competent or honest. The system puts too much power into the executive branch and turns it too much into a bully pulpit. In the parliamentary system you can issue a vote of no-confidence and throw the bums out and put your own bums in before the election period is over. That’s what we do on Mars.”
Kathryn: “Well, Bob Demmofool, you think that’s the solution?”
Bob: “This is the biggest bull –beep — I’ve ever heard. The parliamentary system allows multiple parties into the chambers and leads to complete cacophony. No continuity, continuous fights, nothing gets done. America needs a one party system and that should obviously be the Democrats to avoid today’s gridlock.”
Fred Miserable: “WTF – beep! I beg to disagree. In Europe, you have all sorts of parties that have a voice, and here those different voices get shut up by the majority leaders in the Senate or the House. Let’s split up the democratic party, for example. All your moderate democrats have been rooted out and replaced by leftist socialists, environmental fascists, crony capitalists, and professional healthcare liars, and you want to amplify that into a one party system?”
Marlene Femenazi: “This is all chicken — beep! We have enough of all these fuddy-duddy roosters talking big and do nothing but jumping on our backs. What we need is matriarchal management. The guys have made a complete mess of it. I only want to see skirts or female pants on TV, that is, without zippers that fly open in public and cause sexist havoc. The Wonder Woman Party would do fine.”
Charlene Knowitall: “BS-beep! If you put two women together you have a fight. Put a whole party of them together and you have a war on women.”
Henriette Forgetmenot: “Mars Man is right. We need a multi-party system. Like marriage is out the door, it’s more fun to lie in bed with multi-parties.”
Fred Miserable: “Let’s put a name to today’s so-called Democrats: the Communist Party because that’s what it is. Totally transformed. In a multi-party system, you could also have a Social Democrat party like in Germany, a Labor Party like in the UK or a Boer Koekoek party in Holland. On the Republican side, you can have a Libertarian Party like Le Pen in France, a Christian Democratic party like in Germany or Holland, and a Conservative Party in the UK. Each party gets the votes they deserve and the lead party forms the government, if necessary with opposing parties if they didn’t get a full majority, and they select a prime minister. And you do not have to wait four let alone eight years to get rid of him or her. Most importantly, they cannot govern by fiat or executive order.”
Bob Demmofool: “SOB! I wish we would’ve had that when Bush was president!”
Fred Miserable: “You see! You agree when you see it’s to your advantage. SOB!”
Kathryn: “Ladies and gentleman, let’s pipe down! Mars Man, your idea of inviting the Founding Fathers back to life is causing some friction. Did we forget something we should think about?”
Mars Man: “Yes. Immigration. An issue hotly debated on Mars. We don’t like invaders. We have invited that visionary gentleman from Holland, Gilders to come and speak. Also that charming lady from France Michelle le Pen. Joe Arpaio of Arizona has already signed on. Jan Brewer, Governor of Arizona, as well. We have installed a hermetic shield around Mars and everyone will be bounced back to where they came from regardless of whether they perish in space.”
Bob Demmofool:” WTF! How are you going to grow your party’s base? You won’t be able to maintain your majority.”
Marlene Femenazi: “That’s what we should have in the USA: a system to keep all the men out and do away with those inside. Now that the Supreme Court is supporting same-sex, we can finally throw the bums out and do it alone.”
Paul Turnmeon: “I can recommend you a crony capitalist who can provide you solar-energy operated cucumbers for half the price. He got half a billion tax-funded government loan.”
Kathryn: Ladies and gentleman, again, tone it down unless you want the FCC to denominate this an X-rated show and we would lose our advertisers. Mars Man, a last comment please before we close. “
Mars Man: Oh, yes, thanks. What does WTF mean?”
Kathryn: “Dear viewers, that was all for today, come back next time!”