ENCHANTÉ – MARS MAN AT THE FRIENDS
The Swamp Mars Man
Mars Man is invited by the FRIENDS at the Hullahoo Bar to discuss America and The Swamp.
Frank: “Welcome Mars. Great you could join our Hullahoo drinks. It’s good to hear your first name is where you come from and your family name means humankind. Interesting! Have a beer! I understand you drink the same stuff we do when you are in your earthly frame.”
Mars: “Yes, I do. Thanks for inviting me. Mars Man is my local ID. Katherine, my earthly wife from Nebraska, carries the same last name, and so do our two mixed-race boys who live here.”
Frank: “Exciting! Mars, all our friends here tonight are dying to have your views of current America. It has been an upsetting period for us all. How do you guys on Mars look at it?”
Mars Man: “As you know, Mars is a few light years ahead of Mother Earth so we do not connect all that well with your squabbles. They’re sort of Medieval to us, in your terms. Katherine and I consider your current state of affairs in dire straits, politically speaking. An oncoming trainwreck. An ominous debacle, like a meteor hitting you to smithereens, unless you cut the crap, using your language.”
Melissa: “Mars, how did you get here, are you an illegal Alien?”
Mars: “No Miss, I carry a green card. Katherine who you may know from Omaha TV owns a cornfield near Omaha, where I land with Mars Scooter One, but there is no border post.”
Mary: “How did you meet Katherine?”
Mars: “In the cornfield where I land. When I stepped out of Mars Scooter One, she was there, picking corn for dinner. As I changed into my human costume it was love at first sight.”
Mary: “Oh! That’s a wonderful love story!”
Frank: “So Mars, what crap do we have to cut?”
Mars: “To begin with, stop shooting yourself in the foot all the time. As soon as the U.S. elects its president, you start doing everything possible to make it impossible for that president to govern.”
Melissa: “And whose fault is that?”
Mars: “Your Swamp’s.”
Mary: “Forgive me, Mars, but can you help me with my gas bill?”
Fred: “Come on, Mary, ask your boyfriend or get the gas from the Swamp. You can smell it miles away. It’s gassing whole D.C. How do you define our Swamp, Mars?”
Mars: “Those who mind the store in the U.S. and want to stay in power, whether Democrats or NTs.”
Tom: “NTs?
Mars: “Never Trumpers. One is from Utah.”
Cindy: Will we ever get rid of the Swamp?”
Mars: “No. The Swamp has become a fixed part of the American scene. It’s there to stay. They are those who live behind your steep fences, thick oak doors, in luxury highrises, fashionable quarters of D.C., New York, L.A., and San Francisco.”
Melissa: “What do people on Mars think of our politics?”
Mars: “We don’t like that your politicians want to invade Mars. When you do, we’ll have a Made in China Virus waiting for you free of charge.”
Ted: “You wouldn’t welcome us? We just paid you a beer.”
Mars: “If you find a Martian wife, she may manage to sneak you in. But we have different bodies and use electrodes for sex, so to make one pregnant may not be easy for you.”
Caithlyn: “So what’s the trainwreck, Mars?”
Mars: “Bernie Sanders will be elected President because he gives everybody a free lunch, and when the money is up, you guys have to pay all that back and live on a basic salary that won’t be enough to have a beer.”
Melissa: “That just seems fine to me. I like socialism. Everybody in the same boat, no jealousy of the Jones’s. Why is that a trainwreck?”
Mars: Because everybody will be miserable, except those in power, and everyone who protests against the government will be imprisoned in gulags or retraining camps.”
Caithlyn: “But that is Marxist. Communist. Americans are not like that.”
Mars: “Bernie is, and many voting Americans think he’s the greatest mind who’s ever set foot on Earth.”
Frank: “A horrible prediction, Mars. How can you be so sure?”
Mars: “It’s been written on the wall. Bloomberg will be Bernie’s vassal because he couldn’t get elected. In compensation, Bloomberg will combine and lead State, Treasury, and Defense all together, like his company, and join hands with China where he got all his money. No trade wars anymore, and China will take over your market with Bloomberg owning a main share. This way they will outmaneuver Russia, Bernie’s former buddies. Bernie wouldn’t need money for Tomahawks anymore, and can spend it all on free university and Medicare for All.”
Frank: “Why would Bernie do that? He went to Moscow on honeymoon.”
Mars: “Putin double-crossed him with a cyber attack on his FeelTheBern. com site after Bernie scolded Putin for meddling in the US elections to support Hillary and accused Putin of over the top militarism.”
Tom: “And what happens to us?”
Mars: “You’ll all be equal, eat kale, cauliflower, spinach, or some stale Chinese carry-outs, drink no beer and only small sodas. Cable news is gone as all news will be democrat state news, which is not much different from today. All former anchors and TV prima donnas will be sent to retraining camps and their overpaid salaries confiscated to pay for the student debt.”
Mary: “But what would you do with Katherine and the boys?”
Mars: “We have an undisclosed location in the Caribbean where only I can land. Katherine and the boys will be self-sufficient there, even if Mother Earth goes to pot.”
Jason enters with a platter of new beers. “Hi everyone, this is offered for free by Bernie Sanders. But you must vote for him. Any takers?”
Melissa: “I’ll have one, thanks.”
Mary: “Me too, I take anything that’s free.”
Jason: “But you must sign your name on this ballot. Any more?”
Silence.
Frank: “We’ll pay for them, Jason, as long as we can.”
ENCHANTÉ – THE FRIENDS ON POLITICS
The Friends are back from winter sport, year-end festivities, dinners by candlelight, romance and family gatherings at the Christmas tree and the fireplace. All are in a good mood to face the challenges of 2020. Of course, like everybody else, they are bewildered about how wildly Congress spends their tax dollars on wasteful politics.
Frank: “Let’s do a game. I name a person or a subject, and each of you typifies it. Here we go: “Impeachment.” Melissa, you first.”
Melissa: “Protection of the Constitution. Nobody is above the law.”
Frank: “Any nobody in particular?”
Melissa: “Trump, of course.”
Cindy: “What did he do above the law?”
Melissa: “Omit asking Congress permission to talk to Zelensky and when he did anyway he undermined Biden’s credibility for his political benefit.”
Frank: “Mary, is that ‘above the law’?”
Mary: “I don’t give a hoot. I don’t like people listening in to my telephone calls in the first place to tell the world what I said, blame me for something, and then take me to court. To me, that’s above the law.”
Caitlyn: “I agree. Congress has been trying to impeach for three years, and set up a spy ring in the White House, doing everything to find something they could finally impeach Trump for. That’s political spying on the White House and that’s above the law.”
Frank: Next one, whistleblower? Mary?”
Mary: “A windbag! A traitor. He won’t pay my gas bill with his tricks. This guy was a dirty CIA spy. Trump now knows he can’t trust anybody working with him. How is he going to talk to any world leader now?”
Fred: “What’s a whistleblower? Someone who blows up something. He did but for what good.”
Melissa: “He brought abuse of power to light, Fred.”
Fred: “Abuse? If somebody in your office secretly worked to undermine your career, wouldn’t you request your personnel officer to dig into that? I would!”
Melissa: “In Trump’s case, that’s election fraud.”
Caitlyn: “What about the Democrat senators who contributed to Burisma gas? And the Obama administration supporting Ukrainian gas and blocking ours?”
Frank: “Good point, Caitlyn. Next one: ‘Shifty Shiff’. Ted, you haven’t said anything so far. Go!”
Ted: ” ‘Slimy Schiff’. Ever seen such a face? Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, wonderful couple, with Schumer as their godfather granddad. LA has become a swamp.”
Melissa: “Wrong. I was there last week. Everybody lives happily together, rich and poor, rags to riches.”
Jason enters with a plate full of beer. “I heard that, Melissa. What about the poop on your doorstep?”
Frank: “Okay, next one: ‘The Impeachment Process.’ Cindy, you’re a lawyer, what’s your take?”
Cindy: “A Ramshackle. These so-called House prosecutors would be laughed out of my courtroom. The requirements are ‘treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.’ They couldn’t come up with any arguments to support these crimes. So they made up their own. So it’s doomed to fail.”
Ted: “Ukraine is a murky country, least developed, one of the worst corruption cases on the Richter scale. When it seceded from the USSR at its collapse, it did not get rid of the stereotype Russian corruption.”
Caitlyn: “Still, Obama gave them soft military aid. Why wouldn’t we make sure that our tax dollars are going to be used efficiently and for the purpose intended, in particular, if you give them more money with lethal aid?”
Frank: “Right. And what had those Bidens to do with all that tax money? They were in the midst of the corruption business, as Biden eminently displayed on TV. If there was any quid pro quo it’s that one.”
Ted: “The Democrat party has lowered the bar for impeachment to a political football. What will happen if Biden gets elected?”
Cindy: “Obvious. The Republicans will impeach him for Quid Pro Quo on day one.”
Frank: “There you go. So, what about Rudy Juliani? Melissa?”
Melissa: “An Ukrainian crook. Bolton called him an unpinned hand grenade ready to explode.”
Caitlyn: “Juliani’s statements on TV sound like a Vince Flynn novel. There’s a lot more dirt on the Ukrainian side than we ever want to know.”
Frank: “Does anyone want a presidential candidate who contributed our hard-earned tax dollars to Ukrainian crooks? Scream “yes” or “no”.
All friends, even Melissa, scream “No!”
(Confidential information: Melissa votes for Bernie Sanders…)
Frank: “Last question: Nicknames for Democrat candidates. We already have Pocahontes for Warner, Sleepy Joe for Biden, The Nutty Professor for Sanders, what about Buttiegek? Caitlyn?”
Caitlyn: “Bootiecrack? Bootiequack?”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiecrack? Say aye.”
A few say “Aye.”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiequack?”
An overwhelming “Aye.” The Friends hoist their glasses.
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ENCHANTÉ – KATHRYN INTERVIEWS LU – Governor of Province America
Kathryn of OMAHA TV
“Welcome to the Mao Xi Jinping Tower, Ms. Kathryn,” says Lu Kung Si, Chinese Governor of Province America. “Look out to New Beijing,” he added proudly, pointing from his windows to the landscape of former New York City.
“Thanks, Mr. Lu,” Kathryn says. “Mars proposed to me on this building when it was still ours.”
“Please, sit down,” Lu says, ignoring Kathryn’s reference to better times for the U.S. “So, what can I do for you?”
“What are your plans for what you call ‘Province America’?”
“Province America will have semi-autonomous status,” Lu says. “But under Chinese rule of law, as I explained to your dear husband Mars last time.” (http://bit.ly/2Jvsfoq)
“But reports say America’s former economic boom has all but dissipated in the Province.”
“Not so,” Lu objects. “You forget that Province America’s economy is now mostly informal and not recorded in the government statistics and for good reason. No venture capitalism anymore.”
“But is that not a recognition that Chinese communism or socialism does not work?”
“How do you think China’s economy grew so fast that it beat the former U.S.A.?” Lu exclaims, vexed by Kathryn’s statement. “We apply our successful Communist Party’s mercantilism.”
“But is the slowing economy of Province America not due to the fact that China cannot steal the former U.S. technology anymore?” dares Kathryn.
“Ms. Kathryn,” warns Lu, “I hate to be impolite but the same rule I allow in interviews with Mars applies to you. One more impertinent question and I must order you out the door.”
“Let me rephrase the question then, Mr. Lu,” says Kathryn, unperturbed. “How come that the former innovative American mind does not produce the same results under Chinese dominance?”
“You are close to being thrown out the door, Ms. Kathryn. You may be a free resident of the State of Nebraska, but if you continue to disrespect China’s successful hegemony over Province America we shall have to reconsider the Xi Jinping-Buffett Convention.”
“We know that the Free State of Nebraska has become a thorn in the eye of your great President, Mr. Lu,” says Kathryn. “And you know that many of the great American companies that previously resided in what is now Province America have fled to my State, despite the Chinese Wall. Does that worry your Government?”
“Absolutely not. The previous economies of scale are simply not there anymore. The stock exchanges in New York are Chinese. All revenue is directed to the Chinese Treasury. Capital is made over there, not here. Buffett is aware.”
“But your great President wants his Buffett shares to flourish, no?” Kathryn asks, with a sly smile.
“We do not discuss the President’s musings, Ms. Kathryn,” Lu responds dryly. “Any more questions?”
“What are your plans with the former president of the U.S.? Will he continue to be imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay?”
“Yes, as will all of his collaborators, including the former First Lady. There’s enough room as we transported all previous Arab prisoners to Alcatraz. We do not allow former disruptors of world peace to roam free in their countries of origin.”
“Thanks for that,” Kathryn says. “What about the Capitol, the former politicians? Will Province America still have elections for its local rulers?”
“There is only one Party now, the Socialist Democratic Party led by Bernie Sanders. They don’t rule but can use the Capitol for socialistic debates as before. No elections are needed. Bernie is socialist democratic enough and has been made Province of America’s Figurehead for Life, which at his age won’t be that long anyway. We will see what happens then.”
“Would Ms. Cortez succeed him?”
“I don’t think so. She is too toxic even for Chinese taste, even though the color of her lips represents the color of our flag.”
“But what about the other former politicians?”
“All non-socialist politicians are now in hard labor camps doing work for the first time in their life.” Lu chuckles.
“And what happened to the White House?”
“I thought a good journalist like you would have known that by now.” Lu flicks his hand, impatient.
“Well, I am asking for my audience,” Kathryn says, on the defensive.
“It’s being renovated as President Xi Jinping’s Eastern Residence for vacation.” Lu Kung Si seems hesitant in revealing this information.
“Would he rent out the Lincoln Bedroom?” ventures Kathryn, taking revenge.
“Watch your questions, Ms. Kathryn. President Xi Jinping is not as mercantile as some of your previous American Presidents or Secretaries of State who used public property for their personal pay for play schemes.” Lu smirked, contemptuously. “China is not corrupt. Your time is up, Ms. Kathryn. Come again.”
* * *
Relieved to fly back to Free Nebraska in her company plane, drinking Buffett beer, Kathryn files her report to Mars City TV. At Omaha TV she delivers it during the evening news. Back home, her secure cell phone rings. The screen announces, “Warren Buffett.”
“Well done,” he says. “We have a lot of border crossings from Province America. They’re digging tunnels to reach freedom. We’ve established a secure cyber link with Gitmo, but keep that for your self. We’re not giving up. Stay tuned.”
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ENCHANTÉ – CHINA’S DEMOCRACY
Mars Man on Planet Earth and on Mars with Kathryn of Omaha TV
Mars Man is visiting Lu again for an interview on behalf of Mars TV at the Chinese America Office, formerly the Empire State Building, now called The Mao Xi Jinping Tower.
“Morning, Lu, how’s everything?”
“Province America is doing great, thanks to Bernie Sanders, now Chief Comrade of Province America, and Miss Cortez, Vice Chief Comrade. All schools are public now with free education, learning Mandarin as the first language. Healthcare is free. University is free and student loans are forgiven. Everyone has a fixed salary and nobody pays taxes as these are automatically withheld. All commerce and manufacturing is ‘Made in China’ and all revenues are paid into the Chinese Treasury.”
“My wife Kathryn says that her government salary is totally insufficient. I have to support her with Mars gold. The Yen does not have enough purchasing power she says.”
“Everyone’s salary is the same because everybody is equal. It’s about the same level as the old Social Security was. People have to learn how to live in a socialistic society. No jealousy, no keeping up with the Joneses. Bernie wanted that households with a maximum of two children up to eighteen years old get an extra allowance. We agreed to that, but that meant that the average salary had to be lower. All money is government money. Kathryn should be happy to receive money from China.”
“What happened to the money of the rich?”
“Chief Comrade Sanders said to confiscate their money because it was all stolen. So we did. Everybody has the same amount of money. Only the Leader determines who may have more.”
“Do citizens here still have freedom as embedded in the US Constitution?”
“You’re misinformed, Mars. The US Constitution is no more. The Founding Fathers are gone. Province America is ruled by the new Founding Fathers, Mao and Xi Jinping, with Bernie Sanders and Miss Cortez as their valets. Everyone is free within the confines of socialism.”
“What happened to President Trump and his military establishment?”
“President Trump made the mistake of visiting China with his top generals and political entourage to meet President Xi Jinping. They were incarcerated for unfriendly behavior about our legit American market share and shipped to Guantanamo Bay. China took over America with our superior Cyberwarfare equipment without firing one shot.”
“So you helped the American political left to achieve their goal of removing their rightfully elected President. Was there any collusion between you, Biden and Sanders?”
“Don’t ask impertinent questions, Mars. You know the rule. One more and you are out the door.”
“Sorry, Lu, but the former President was accused of collusion. Since you removed him from office in the interest of the left, the question arises. Back on the salary matter, if everyone has the same state salary, do people still have jobs?”
“In a planned economy, everyone has a job. The new State Districts of Province America assign jobs to them. The former states have been abolished. People living in each State District must register at the Xi Jinping Party Office. Those who do not will be imprisoned and they and their relatives forfeit their state salary.”
“But my wife says that her state salary cannot pay for needed groceries in the state commissaries.”
“In China, people have no problem buying in and living on state commissaries, so if we Chinese can, Chinese Americans can too. Most Americans are overweight anyway. Slimming down by living on a state salary is cheaper than paying exorbitant fees for Nutrisystem.”
“That’s tough on what used to be a freedom-loving society. Have there not been any protests?”
“No protests. Do you remember Tiananmen square? President Xi dictated that everyone must closely adhere to the Communist Party line, or else. There are serious consequences if they don’t, such as life-long labor camps. So far, the inhabitants of Province America got the message.”
“Are people allowed to stay in their multimillion-dollar homes?”
“Only true Chinese and true Chinese American collaborators can if they contribute to the Leader. Others must move out to make room for them. Chief Comrade Sanders and his pupil Miss Cortez are assigned McMansions of their liking. Miss Pelosi is holed up for free in an assistant-living residence managed by a state commissary.”
“Do South Americans still cross the border?”
“No, for two reasons. The Trump Wall now serves to prevent people from moving out. Second, Central American states are dominated by socialist regimes that closely collaborate with China. China does not tolerate migration.”
“Am I correct that China has destroyed Western democracy?”
“Your premise is wrong. Chinese democracy existed many centuries before Western nations were born. Who is to say that Western Democracy is better than Chinese Democracy? It’s all in the eyes of the beholder. China’s democracy has ruled a population grown to close 1.5 billion. How could you govern a population that large with Western Democracy? American democracy grew decadent with its sexual aberrations and political and religious infighting. Their politicians turned into a class of clowns. They dug their own grave. In a way, China has saved the Americans from themselves. Soon, we will save Mars from the Marsians.”
“I don’t think so, Lu. Our Cyber Power is still a multiple of China’s. I have no problem flying to and from Planet Earth in a jiffy. Mars Democracy is much older than China’s. Be careful, do not touch Mars or we focus our beams on Bejing and obliterate your system. Goodbye, Lu, it was a pleasure meeting you again.”
After kissing off Kathryn in Omaha, Mars Man scooted back to Mars. On the way, cybermalfare rattled the shield of Space Scooter One. Mars Man took his cell phone and dialed Lu. “Lu, stop that rattling right now or I pulverize your Xi Tower with my afterburner.” The rattling died right away.
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ENCHANTÉ – CHINA’S DEMOCRACY
Mars Man on Planet Earth and on Mars with Kathryn of Omaha TV
Mars Man is visiting Lu again for an interview on behalf of Mars TV at the Chinese America Office, formerly the Empire State Building, now called The Mao Xi Jinping Tower.
“Morning, Lu, how’s everything?”
“Province America is doing great, thanks to Bernie Sanders, now Chief Comrade of Province America, and Miss Cortez, Vice Chief Comrade. All schools are public now with free education, learning Mandarin as the first language. Healthcare is free. University is free and student loans are forgiven. Everyone has a fixed salary and nobody pays taxes as these are automatically withheld. All commerce and manufacturing is ‘Made in China’ and all revenues are paid into the Chinese Treasury.”
“My wife Kathryn says that her government salary is totally insufficient. I have to support her with Mars gold. The Yen does not have enough purchasing power she says.”
“Everyone’s salary is the same because everybody is equal. It’s about the same level as the old Social Security was. People have to learn how to live in a socialistic society. No jealousy, no keeping up with the Joneses. Bernie wanted that households with a maximum of two children up to eighteen years old get an extra allowance. We agreed to that, but that meant that the average salary had to be lower. All money is government money. Kathryn should be happy to receive money from China.”
“What happened to the money of the rich?”
“Chief Comrade Sanders said to confiscate their money because it was all stolen. So we did. Everybody has the same amount of money. Only the Leader determines who may have more.”
“Do citizens here still have freedom as embedded in the US Constitution?”
“You’re misinformed, Mars. The US Constitution is no more. The Founding Fathers are gone. Province America is ruled by the new Founding Fathers, Mao and Xi Jinping, with Bernie Sanders and Miss Cortez as their valets. Everyone is free within the confines of socialism.”
“What happened to President Trump and his military establishment?”
“President Trump made the mistake of visiting China with his top generals and political entourage to meet President Xi Jinping. They were incarcerated for unfriendly behavior about our legit American market share and shipped to Guantanamo Bay. China took over America with our superior Cyberwarfare equipment without firing one shot.”
“So you helped the American political left to achieve their goal of removing their rightfully elected President. Was there any collusion between you, Biden and Sanders?”
“Don’t ask impertinent questions, Mars. You know the rule. One more and you are out the door.”
“Sorry, Lu, but the former President was accused of collusion. Since you removed him from office in the interest of the left, the question arises. Back on the salary matter, if everyone has the same state salary, do people still have jobs?”
“In a planned economy, everyone has a job. The new State Districts of Province America assign jobs to them. The former states have been abolished. People living in each State District must register at the Xi Jinping Party Office. Those who do not will be imprisoned and they and their relatives forfeit their state salary.”
“But my wife says that her state salary cannot pay for needed groceries in the state commissaries.”
“In China, people have no problem buying in and living on state commissaries, so if we Chinese can, Chinese Americans can too. Most Americans are overweight anyway. Slimming down by living on a state salary is cheaper than paying exorbitant fees for Nutrisystem.”
“That’s tough on what used to be a freedom-loving society. Have there not been any protests?”
“No protests. Do you remember Tiananmen square? President Xi dictated that everyone must closely adhere to the Communist Party line, or else. There are serious consequences if they don’t, such as life-long labor camps. So far, the inhabitants of Province America got the message.”
“Are people allowed to stay in their multimillion-dollar homes?”
“Only true Chinese and true Chinese American collaborators can if they contribute to the Leader. Others must move out to make room for them. Chief Comrade Sanders and his pupil Miss Cortez are assigned McMansions of their liking. Miss Pelosi is holed up for free in an assistant-living residence managed by a state commissary.”
“Do South Americans still cross the border?”
“No, for two reasons. The Trump Wall now serves to prevent people from moving out. Second, Central American states are dominated by socialist regimes that closely collaborate with China. China does not tolerate migration.”
“Am I correct that China has destroyed Western democracy?”
“Your premise is wrong. Chinese democracy existed many centuries before Western nations were born. Who is to say that Western Democracy is better than Chinese Democracy? It’s all in the eyes of the beholder. China’s democracy has ruled a population grown to close 1.5 billion. How could you govern a population that large with Western Democracy? American democracy grew decadent with its sexual aberrations and political and religious infighting. Their politicians turned into a class of clowns. They dug their own grave. In a way, China has saved the Americans from themselves. Soon, we will save Mars from the Marsians.”
“I don’t think so, Lu. Our Cyber Power is still a multiple of China’s. I have no problem flying to and from Planet Earth in a jiffy. Mars Democracy is much older than China’s. Be careful, do not touch Mars or we focus our beams on Bejing and obliterate your system. Goodbye, Lu, it was a pleasure meeting you again.”
After kissing off Kathryn in Omaha, Mars Man scooted back to Mars. On the way, cybermalfare rattled the shield of Space Scooter One. Mars Man took his cell phone and dialed Lu. “Lu, stop that rattling right now or I pulverize your Xi Tower with my afterburner.” The rattling died right away.