Kathryn of Omaha TV: “Dear viewers. Today we show Mars Man’s long awaited interview with Lu Kung Si, China’s US representative, in his new office at the Empire State Building in New York, taped last July. As you know, we are now a prosperous province of China and have special permission from Lu Kung Si to air this interview unabridged. Mars City TV, are you connected? All right, here we go:

Mars Man: “Lu, nice meeting you again. You have a magnificent office here. You can see the whole world. On a clear day you can even see Beijing. On the other hand, I hear you have no clear days in Beijing anymore. Too much pollution?”

Lu: “Thanks for your welcoming words Mars Man, but we Chinese are usually more polite and wish you well at the start of an interview instead of throwing mud.”

Mars Man: “Blame my Americanization for this, my apologies. After all, the USA has been sending these rovers to Mars and they infected us with their bad manners.”

Lu: “You are forgiven, but I must give you a red flag in accordance with Chinese State Rule 180437. Two times more and you are out the door.”

Mars Man: “I hope that by that time our interview is over. Let me start. Soon the American people will remember the fiercest attack on their country by Islamic fanatics, as you know called 9/11. How are you dealing with this, now that you have submitted the USA to your own mentality of serfdom?”

Lu: “I warn you Mars Man for framing your questions in an adverse manner. Americans will retain a substantial freedom of action, more or less like Hong Kong, within prescribed limitations. As to their remembrance of 9/11, we will fully respect their memorial services and any ceremonies will be allowed. As to the Islamic threats, we have our own in China and we know how to deal with them. Islamic extremists will not be allowed to subvert our society, including those we annex. We will mainly use American security systems, which are quite adequate. Besides, now that those terrorists know we are here, they’ll think twice about trying to attack as they will be physically ripped apart without our blinking an eye. We have over one hundred scientific torture methods, including our well known water drop and slow death by a thousand cuts. No Miranda rights and Department of Justice susceptibilities. We have abolished the ACLU and their members have all been sent to labor camps or incarcerated for life.”

Mars Man: “That must comfort many American citizens. However, on Mars we have the impression that the remaining free world is uncomfortable about China’s militarism and aggressive stands. You have now by way of speaking annexed the USA and made it your subsidiary. Are the other countries of Planet Earth right to be concerned?”

Lu: “Who says we do not belong to the free world? We have elections too, you know, but we keep order with our one party system. The USA lost the taste for discipline. Other countries, including Europe, should learn from us and adapt. President Obama was our avid student and did most of our preparatory work, so that we could just walk in here and take over without fundamental change. He had already done that. However, he was a bit too eager and making such a mess of it that he was taking us all down the cliff. So we had no choice but to take over his regime to set things straight and save our own economy from collapsing too.”

Mars Man: “But your capitalist policies are pure state rule and your monetary policies are keeping the Yuan artificially low to encourage exports and keep imports to a minimum. Other countries’ economies are suffering from that.”

Lu: “This problem has been largely solved by our annexation of the USA. It emerged from a simple marketing strategy. Western economists do not make a distinction in our methodologies. We apply capitalist production and marketing policies, but do not accept democratic rule as that fouls up any sound economic system. The western socialists, and that includes Obama’s regime and his socialist cronies in that cackling Congress, don’t understand you need capitalist methodologies to compete and make money and fund your programs. You remember former President Obama crying on TV that he had this messy democracy to deal with? That’s what brought down the USA, as his efforts to impose a one party system collapsed with that Tea Party monster. Mao and Lenin used communist or socialist economic rules and it utterly failed. We have learned from that. Remember Ding Chao Ping? We only apply strict communist state rule to our country management to keep our large population in sync with our state policies. Russia does too. We do not indebt ourselves like Obama did. There is only so much you can tax and spend before the “other people’s money” runs out and you go belly up, as the USA did. We can sell cheaper because we are more efficient without all these ridiculous environmental regulations and do not burden our export industries to pay for nonsensical social programs that don’t work. We abolished all that and most Americans are happy with that. Chinese know how to take care of themselves and Americans will too. We keep our currency in check and don’t use the printing press like the American Bernanke did. There you have it in a nutshell.”

Mars Man: “And all the excess money you make is invested in your military.”

Lu: “Has Mars forgotten Planet Earth’s history? Do you forget that less than one hundred years ago, China was invaded by Japan, Russia and Western countries, including the USA, and that Shanghai was made into an American brothel? We suffered a lot of misery and we don’t want that to happen again.”

Mars Man: “All right, but where do you need all that weaponry for that was reportedly fabricated with what they say stolen technology?”

Lu: “Mars Man, I must warn you. You sound if Mars is on the side of the West what’s left of it. We don’t have plans to invade Mars, as the USA had. So know your friends when you ask questions like these or else we might have to start invading you too. I have to issue you a second red flag. Mind your words. On a Mars invasion, we only need to open NASA’s files, don’t forget that.”

“Mars Man: “Point taken, Lu, but please answer the question, since I am only at the second red.”

“Lu: On the stolen technology, that’s because we are good at stealing and reverse engineering. We know mathematics. The American kids did not to their peril and are now learning it again, and if they refuse they are sent to labor camps till they do. That’ll teach them a lesson. Others on Planet Earth steal as well, Pakistanis, Indians, Iranians. We keep a keen eye on these murky peoples. When their stealing is not in our interest and they get things before we do, we act, another reason why we had to come here. Now we don’t need to steal USA secrets anymore, as they belong to us. Made in larger China, if you wish. On the need for it, we have a large country to defend, and now that we have annexed the USA it is even larger. We want to make sure others respect us for what we are before they do us in. Taiwan and some Russian, Vietnamese and Japanese islands are disputed territory and when the time comes, we will reunite.”

Mars Man: “But is that not a belligerent tone? On Mars, we thought the land of Confucius was the image of peace, wisdom and respect for humanity. Didn’t he say “don’t impose on others what you don’t wish for yourself?”

Lu: “That seems a very liberal translation and grossly out of context. Don’t confuse Confucius with Western linear thinking. Confucius also said: “The cautious never err.” So we took our precautions and Obama gave us the key. He was glad to because he was in over his head, so we did him  and the Americans a favor. Read our White Paper on China’s Peaceful Development. It’s on the Web.”

Mars Man: “I thought China had only pink paper and that’s what I found in Third World country bathrooms. But I can’t read Chinese. Give me the gist, please.”

Lu: “It makes the case that China does not interfere with other countries’ internal affairs and does not bully other countries, such as the past USA did all over. We only come when invited, as we were by Obama and Walmart, because Obama had lost his marbles and Walmart wanted to extend its market share of Chinese goods.”

Mars Man: “How does China intend to deal with its internal issues? As I said at the beginning, you have serious environmental problems. You can’t inhale a breeze of fresh air in Beijing and Shanghai isn’t much better. Then you have that one child policy that has created a massive growth of only male people. What are the sexual implications of that?”

Lu: “These are questions you are not allowed to ask and I am not willing to answer. Remember our Rule 180437. You got a third red flag and have to leave in five minutes or you will be thrown out by my personal thugs. The American former Vice President Joe Biden fully understands this one child policy, so go and ask him.”

Mars Man: “But you said you were a freedom loving nation where you can discuss these things openly, I suppose without handing out red flags?”

Lu: “Free in Chinese does not mean the same as free in English. I cannot answer your question because you don’t speak Mandarin.”

Mars Man: “Let me put it differently then. How will you deal with the striking increase in Chinese male homosexuality with all these single men? I thought homosexuality was forbidden in China. What do these guys do if there aren’t any girls left?”

Lu: “We have a vibrant girl doll production in China that can satisfy the most sexually driven men. They giggle, coo, wriggle, kiss, moan, and can do it up and down. The military get them free. We Chinese take care of our men. You can pack them in your briefcase, your rucksack, your pocket, blow them up at home or in your hotel, take them to the beach, whatever, and they act and feel just like real women. The added advantage is you can make love to them wherever and whenever you want, you never have a fight, no complaints about headaches if you know what I mean, they never age, and when you get tired of them you throw them out and buy a new one. We have all types, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanics, you name it. Demand in Province America has already exceeded our wildest expectations. Even lesbians love them. I can send you our vendor list if you want.”

Mars Man: “Thanks but no thanks, Lu, they won’t work with our Mars bodies. Thanks for the interview, Lu, very informative. I take your red flags as a souvenir back to Mars. Till soon.”

Kathryn of Omaha TV: “That was it, dear audience. I hope you had your remote handy for the kids during the last part of this interview. Mars Man is traveling back to Mars City. All the best and till next time when he and our panels meet again.”