Looking at today’s TV news, I felt inclined to repeat a column of last June:

We are back with Tom and Fred, this time invited by World Wide Network to form a panel on important daily political matters.

“Fred, how are we going to do this?”

“Simple, Tom, you make a point and I make a counterpoint. We never agree because the opposite side must always be right, whatever side you are on.”

“But if I agree with you because you make more sense, why shouldn’t I say so?”

“Because you get fired if you do. It’s like a sports game, boy. You’re not supposed to kick the ball into your own goal. You must kick me as hard as you can, regardless of whether I’m right.”

“But isn’t that ridiculous? If I make sense, you wouldn’t agree with me?”

“Of course not. That’s how it works. You have fans on your side, and I have fans on mine. Each side wants the other to lose as badly as possible. Scorched Earth. That’s politics. It’s a sports game, the American way. Each side gets paid for making crushing opposite points. Otherwise, the viewers get bored.”

“Which side are you on?”

“The opposite of yours.”

“But which is it, left or right?”

“If you show me yours, I show you mine.”

“But does WWN not want to know first what yours is?”

“They will only tell me if they’ve seen yours first.”

“Can we switch panes when you like mine better?”

“For the viewer, left of the anchor is right, and right of the anchor is left. Don’t confuse people. They want to see which side you’re on.”

“What side is the anchor on?”

“Tom, don’t be stupid. It’s WWN that pays their salary. They talk WWN’s side.”

“How much do they pay?”

“The more they like yours or mine, the more they pay you or me.”

“Do they give equal time?”

“They may or may not. If you crush me or them, they may let me pay back twice.”

“Geez, Fred, this is really like Monday Night Football without referees or line backers.”

“It is, or more like national wrestling or kick boxing, male or female.”

“So this is how people in Congress live?”

“And what tax payers pay for. Your tax money is like buying tickets for the games. And to beat up each other in the streets if you lose.”

“What about those election slogans then, stronger together or America first?”

“Well, Tom, those are essentially sports terms. The political teams fight it out, either to show they’re stronger than the other, or to become first.”

“So we must fight it out on TV too?”

“Sure, if you want to get paid. Not physically, of course, like that guy in Montana, but by blabbing better and faster than your opponent, while keeping a straight but very false smile, as if you are the friendliest bastard or bitch ever.”

“Do we train for this before we start?”

“Don’t have to. Just look at today’s TV and you get the message.”

“Which side do I chose?”

“Just wait which side the anchor puts you. Then, whatever he or she wants you to comment on, you take the left or right side of his/her point of view. The truth does not matter. Nobody knows what that is anymore anyway.”

“But I don’t know in traffic sometimes what left or right is.”

“Doesn’t matter, as long as you take the opposite side. You’re insured by the media.”

“Fred, I’m going to sign up and hate you.”

“Me too, Tom, I hate you already.”