The Swamp                                                       Mars Man

Mars Man is invited by the FRIENDS at the Hullahoo Bar to discuss America and The Swamp.

Frank: “Welcome Mars. Great you could join our Hullahoo drinks. It’s good to hear your first name is where you come from and your family name means humankind. Interesting!  Have a beer! I understand you drink the same stuff we do when you are in your earthly frame.”

Mars: “Yes, I do. Thanks for inviting me. Mars Man is my local ID. Katherine, my earthly wife from Nebraska, carries the same last name, and so do our two mixed-race boys who live here.”

Frank: “Exciting! Mars, all our friends here tonight are dying to have your views of current America. It has been an upsetting period for us all. How do you guys on Mars look at it?”

Mars Man: “As you know, Mars is a few light years ahead of Mother Earth so we do not connect all that well with your squabbles. They’re sort of Medieval to us, in your terms. Katherine and I consider your current state of affairs in dire straits, politically speaking. An oncoming trainwreck. An ominous debacle, like a meteor hitting you to smithereens, unless you cut the crap, using your language.”

Melissa: “Mars, how did you get here, are you an illegal Alien?”

Mars: “No Miss, I carry a green card. Katherine who you may know from Omaha TV owns a cornfield near Omaha, where I land with Mars Scooter One, but there is no border post.”

Mary: “How did you meet Katherine?”

Mars: “In the cornfield where I land. When I stepped out of Mars Scooter One, she was there, picking corn for dinner. As I changed into my human costume it was love at first sight.”

Mary: “Oh! That’s a wonderful love story!”

Frank: “So Mars, what crap do we have to cut?”

Mars: “To begin with, stop shooting yourself in the foot all the time. As soon as the U.S. elects its president, you start doing everything possible to make it impossible for that president to govern.”

Melissa: “And whose fault is that?”

Mars: “Your Swamp’s.”

Mary: “Forgive me, Mars, but can you help me with my gas bill?”

Fred: “Come on, Mary, ask your boyfriend or get the gas from the Swamp. You can smell it miles away. It’s gassing whole D.C. How do you define our Swamp, Mars?”

Mars: “Those who mind the store in the U.S. and want to stay in power, whether Democrats or NTs.”

Tom: “NTs?

Mars: “Never Trumpers.  One is from Utah.”

Cindy: Will we ever get rid of the Swamp?”

Mars: “No. The Swamp has become a fixed part of the American scene. It’s there to stay. They are those who live behind your steep fences, thick oak doors, in luxury highrises, fashionable quarters of D.C., New York, L.A., and San Francisco.”

Melissa: “What do people on Mars think of our politics?”

Mars: “We don’t like that your politicians want to invade Mars. When you do, we’ll have a Made in China Virus waiting for you free of charge.”

Ted: “You wouldn’t welcome us? We just paid you a beer.”

Mars: “If you find a Martian wife, she may manage to sneak you in. But we have different bodies and use electrodes for sex, so to make one pregnant may not be easy for you.”

Caithlyn: “So what’s the trainwreck, Mars?”

Mars: “Bernie Sanders will be elected President because he gives everybody a free lunch, and when the money is up, you guys have to pay all that back and live on a basic salary that won’t be enough to have a beer.”

Melissa: “That just seems fine to me. I like socialism. Everybody in the same boat, no jealousy of the Jones’s. Why is that a trainwreck?”

Mars: Because everybody will be miserable, except those in power, and everyone who protests against the government will be imprisoned in gulags or retraining camps.”

Caithlyn: “But that is Marxist. Communist. Americans are not like that.”

Mars: “Bernie is, and many voting Americans think he’s the greatest mind who’s ever set foot on Earth.”

Frank: “A horrible prediction, Mars. How can you be so sure?”

Mars: “It’s been written on the wall. Bloomberg will be Bernie’s vassal because he couldn’t get elected. In compensation, Bloomberg will combine and lead State, Treasury, and Defense all together, like his company, and join hands with China where he got all his money. No trade wars anymore, and China will take over your market with Bloomberg owning a main share. This way they will outmaneuver Russia, Bernie’s former buddies. Bernie wouldn’t need money for Tomahawks anymore, and can spend it all on free university and Medicare for All.”

Frank: “Why would Bernie do that? He went to Moscow on honeymoon.”

Mars: “Putin double-crossed him with a cyber attack on his FeelTheBern. com site after Bernie scolded Putin for meddling in the US elections to support Hillary and accused Putin of over the top militarism.”

Tom: “And what happens to us?”

Mars: “You’ll all be equal, eat kale, cauliflower, spinach, or some stale Chinese carry-outs, drink no beer and only small sodas. Cable news is gone as all news will be democrat state news, which is not much different from today. All former anchors and TV prima donnas will be sent to retraining camps and their overpaid salaries confiscated to pay for the student debt.”

Mary: “But what would you do with Katherine and the boys?”

Mars: “We have an undisclosed location in the Caribbean where only I can land. Katherine and the boys will be self-sufficient there, even if Mother Earth goes to pot.”

Jason enters with a platter of new beers. “Hi everyone, this is offered for free by Bernie Sanders. But you must vote for him. Any takers?”

Melissa: “I’ll have one, thanks.”

Mary: “Me too, I take anything that’s free.”

Jason: “But you must sign your name on this ballot. Any more?”

Silence.

Frank: “We’ll pay for them, Jason, as long as we can.”