ENCHANTÉ – DOG EATS DOG
It’s bar time again for THE FRIENDS. Fred, Frank, Tom, and Ted settle down at their usual spots in the Hullahoo Bar. Cindy, Mary, Melissa, and Celine are joining them, all talking about the unending dog fights in Washington politics.
“Gee, man,” sighs Ted. “The Report is out. No collusion, no proof of obstruction. What a relief.”
“And that after two years of trying to prove the opposite,” Melissa says. “That guy Schiff stands with his pants down, and so does the so-called mainstream media. Now they can put the Roseanne Barr show back on.”
“Hah,” Mary scoffs. “And Jeanine Pirro’s, too. Why the heck did Fox drop her? They’re becoming like CNN.”
“Why waste your time looking at Roseanne or Jeanine?” Cindy says, sipping her white wine. “Just watch Congress. Same show, cheaper too.”
“Or those late-night comics,” Frank says. “All Trump haters. So boring. Puts you to sleep but at least gives you time to make love instead.”
“Doesn’t matter what side you are on,” Tom says. “When one side gets President, the other side tears him down.”
“The American way,” Celine affirms. “Like in the cowboy movies. The new sheriff must keep order, so the bad guys go after him.”
“It has gotten a lot worse with Social Media,” Mary proffers. “Everybody is yelling from their basements hitting away on their computers or smartphones, saying things they would never say if they sat in front of those who they are yelling at.”
“My brother, who votes Republican, tells me he’s sleeping in a different room because his wife is dreaming aloud, screaming ‘I hate Trump,'” Melissa says.
“Any Republican here, hands up?” shouts Frank.
No hands show.
“Any Democrat here?” shouts Fred.
No hands show.
“Come on!” Tom says. “You’re all Independents?”
Melissa raises her thumb one inch and says, “You’re all afraid of the Green Police hearing you!”
“Oh, yeah,” Cindy says, laughing. “That media darling with the too red lips and double name everybody had difficulty pronouncing, so they made her into an acronym.”
“Is that so, there’s a Green Police already?” Mary asks, looking worried.
“It’s part of the fine print of the New Green Deal,” Melissa says. “That’s what you’d get if you vote socialism.”
“Why can’t these people leave us alone?” Ted wonders aloud. “Why’s everybody always fighting each other? Dogs fight, cats fight, birds fight, roosters fight, deer fight, ants fight, humans fight, why can’t we have peace? Don’t we all have a good time now?”
“Because peace is boring, buddy,” Fred says. “A peace book does not sell, a killer book does. Same with movies. Welcome to Planet Earth.”
“Same with those politicians. Always fighting while saying ‘my friend,'” Tom says. “I remember Joe Biden boasting he’d take Trump outside the gym to beat him up. I’m afraid six-foot-two Trump heavyweight would take him by the scruff of his neck and hang him on the coat rack.”
“It’s the bully mindset in us humans,” Celine philosophizes. “There are always those who want to control others, regardless. AOC wants to be the boss, you heard that?”
“We need stronger anti-bullying laws,” suggests Mary.
“Hah, works like gun laws,” sneers Frank. “You’ll soon see that not all anti-bullying laws are equal. They won’t apply to people like AOC.”
“She and Bernie want a seventy percent tax rate,” Tom says, looking scared. “They never learn. Bernie may not remember he had to take his own toilet paper to a restroom in Moskou on his honeymoon because the city ran out of tax money and no taxpayer had any money left.”
“How come all these brilliant Millenials just from school yearn for socialism when capitalism is there for everyone to see it works?” Fred wonders. “Do they know what socialism means? Free goods without freedom and soon misery for all.”
“I’m afraid that’s where we’re heading,” Cindy says. “They have to learn the hard way. Looking at Venezuela on TV is not hard enough. They have to live through it to find out how bad it is.”
“At least the Report puts an end to the collusion hoax,” remarks Melissa. “Did anybody ever ask why a freedom-loving billionaire businessman would ask a communist dictator help him get elected president of a democratic US of A?”
“Fair point, Melissa,” says Frank. “Ask Bernie that question. You get a free beer from me. Cheers everyone!”
ENCHANTÉ – TALKING CHINA
Talking China: Some of you may remember Mars Man, Chief Anchor at Mars City TV, married to Kathryn of Omaha TV in a happy mixed extraterrestrial marriage. Mars Man visits Omaha TV regularly, landing in a nearby razed cornfield with Space Scooter One. In view of all the current talk about trade negotiations with China, we repeat Mars Man’s visionary interview a year ago with Lu Kung Si, China’s Governor of the US, about the status of the former US, which is now a prosperous province of China, with the help of Bernie Sanders.
“Dear viewers, I am Kathryn Holliday, spouse of our dear Mars Man. Today we air Mars Man’s long-awaited interview with Lu Kung Si, China’s US representative, in his new office at the Empire State Building in New York, taped last July. We do not have permission from Lu Kung Si to air this interview, but we do so on behalf of Mars TV. Mars City TV, are you connected? All right, here we go:
Mars Man: “Lu, nice meeting you again. You have a magnificent office here. You can see the whole world. On a clear day, you can even see Beijing. On the other hand, I hear you have no clear days in Beijing.”
Lu: “Thanks for your welcoming words Mars Man, but we Chinese usually are more polite at the start of an interview instead of throwing mud.”
Mars Man: “Blame my Americanization for this, my apologies. After all, the US has been sending these rovers to Mars and they infected us with their bad manners.”
Lu: “You are forgiven, but I must give you a red flag in accordance with Chinese State Rule 180437. No democracy or free speech here anymore. One more and you are out the door.”
Mars Man: “How are you dealing with the US now that you have submitted it to your communist culture of serfdom?”
Lu: “I warn you Mars Man for framing your questions in an adverse manner. Americans will retain freedom more or less like Hong Kong, within prescribed limitations. We use American security systems, which we borrowed from the NSA, to control the Americans. Besides, we have over one hundred scientific torture methods, including our well-known water drop and slow death by a thousand cuts. No Miranda rights and Department of Justice susceptibilities. We have abolished the ACLU and their members have all been sent to labor camps or been incarcerated for life.”
Mars Man: “That must discomfort many American citizens. On Mars, we are concerned about China’s militarism and aggressive totalitarian methods. After you have made the US your subsidiary, other countries of Planet Earth fear losing their freedom. We understand Europe is next.”
Lu: “Who says we do not belong to the free world? We have elections too, you know, but we keep order with our one party system. The US lost the taste for discipline. Other countries, including Europe, should learn from us and adapt. Several are communist already. President Obama was our avid student and did most of our preparatory work so that we could just walk in here and take over without fundamental change. It was too late for Trump to stop that.”
Mars Man: “But your mercurial capitalist policies are pure state rule and make everyone unhappy.”
Lu: “You remember former President Obama crying on TV that he had this messy democracy to deal with? That’s what brought down the US.”
Mars Man: “But all your excess money is invested in your military.”
Lu: “Has Mars forgotten Planet Earth’s history? A century ago, China was invaded by Japan, Russia and Western countries, including the US, and Shanghai was made into an American brothel. We suffered a lot of misery and we don’t want that to happen again.”
Mars Man: “All right, but where do you need all that weaponry for that was reportedly fabricated with what they say stolen US technology?”
Lu: “Mars Man, I must warn you. You sound if Mars is on the side of the West what’s left of it. We only need to open NASA’s files to invade Mars, don’t forget that.”
“Mars Man: “Point taken, Lu, but please answer the question.”
“Lu: On the stolen technology, that’s because we are good at stealing and reverse engineering. We know math. The American kids did not do their math to America’s peril. We must rule the world to protect China. ”
Mars Man: “On Mars, we thought the land of Confucius was the image of peace, wisdom, and respect for humanity. Didn’t he say ‘Don’t impose on others what you don’t wish for yourself?’”
Lu: “That’s grossly taken out of context. Don’t confuse Confucius with Western linear thinking. Confucius also said: ‘The cautious never err.’ Read our White Paper on China’s Peaceful Development. It’s on the Web.”
Mars Man: “I don’t read Chinese. Give me the gist, please.”
Lu: “It makes the case that China does not interfere with other countries’ internal affairs and does not bully other countries, such as America did. We only come when invited, as we were by Obama and Walmart.”
Mars Man: “Your child policy has created a massive growth of only male people. What are the sexual implications of that?”
Lu: “These are questions you are not allowed to ask. Remember our Rule 180437. Your former Vice President Joe Biden fully understands this one-child policy, so go and ask him.”
Mars Man: “Let me put it differently then. How will you deal with the striking increase in Chinese male homosexuality with all these single men? I thought homosexuality was forbidden in China. What do these guys do if there aren’t any girls left?”
Lu: “We have a vibrant girl doll production in China that can satisfy the most sexually driven men. They giggle, coo, wriggle, kiss, moan, and can do it up and down. The military gets them free. We have all types, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanics, you name it. Demand in Province America has already exceeded our wildest expectations. Even lesbians love them. I can send you our vendor list if you want.”
Mars Man: “Thanks but no thanks, Lu, they don’t work on our Mars bodies. Goodbye and see you next time.”
Kathryn of Omaha TV: “That was it, dear audience. OMAHA TV risks to be closed by the Chinese authorities for broadcasting this interview. Only NBC is still functioning with their communist staff under Chinese state control. Soon we will have to travel to Mars to get the real news.”
A blank screen appears.
ENCHANTÉ – THE MICEANS ARE COMING!
You may remember the blog on MICE AND ICE: https://www.johnschwartzauthor.com/enchante-mice-ice/
ENCHANTÉ – Mice and ICE
Well, Miceans Maxie and Maxine came back after having been deported last year. The worlds they lived in were hard and unforgiving, they said. No food and shelter for kids, and lots of neighborhood cats and pray-birds out there to kill or mistreat them. So they sneaked in illegally, even borrowed kids, those little creatures with those dreaming tear-jerking eyes that make your heart turn mushy when they look at you, especially on TV. They were asking for a space in our home.
ENCHANTÉ consulted an outsider to come to grips with this invasion: Mars Man. You may remember him, that Marsian face which turns ‘human’ when he lands in a Nebraska cornfield close to Omaha to have TV interviews with his earthly wife Kathryn, an adorable and much-loved anchor at Omaha TV. One of his appearances on ENCANTÉ was in 2016 – https://www.johnschwartzauthor.com/mars-mans-tv-economy-stupid-stupid-economy/.
Mars – his first name – gladly returned to Earth to report for his weekly Mars City TV “Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms” show on the high-profile Miceans approaching the US and the similarity of this event with the continuing efforts of Mother Earth attempting to invade Mars. Kathryn did not waste any time and scheduled him for an interview on the border issue just a few hours after he landed in the Omaha cornfield with Space Scooter One.
He had hardly the time to morph into his earthly body and a Balenciaga outfit.
Kathryn had invited Ted and Frank from the Washington, D.C. Bureau to join in the discussion.
Kathryn launches her show, OMAHA’S WORLD TODAY, with a quick re-introduction of Mars Man, Ted, and Frank. She asks Mars to reflect on the oncoming Miceans invasion from a Mars point of view.
“Kathryn, thank you so much for this important question. We have discussed this before in other forums, but clearly, this is of immediate relevance to Mars. Like everybody on Mother Earth, we hold our planet and our sacred homes dearly. We do not tolerate strange invaders. Any time when a rover or other earthly space unit dawns on Mars and lets mice lose to test our living space, our alarm systems go off and we are ready to defend ourselves. We use appropriate baits and traps and those rovers – you call them rodents here – usually get worn out pretty fast and disappear in a remote ditch somewhere.”
“But what if NASA sends a few thousand rovers to Mars?” asks Frank. “What would you do?”
“It’s insane to even think that’s possible, but we would mobilize a whole army of MICE controllers to chase them back into space. MICE stands for “Mars Invasion Control Entity.”
“We have exactly the same name for it,” Ted exclaims. “Does your president need congressional approval for that?” Ted has no clue of Marsian politics.
“We have a supreme leader, “Mars Man lectures. “He or she emanates from the majority political party. Mars has three parties, the Jupiterians, much like your Libertarians; the
“So your supreme leader would mobilize the army to stop a caravan of mice on earth?” asks Kathryn.
“Exactly. You call your MICE police and get them out, despite their doe-eyed kids, put up barb or bob wire because those kids grow up fast, multiply fast, ruin your home and turn your people into endangered species before you know it. Like what we would do on Mars: turn them back with all your might.”
“Would your Venetians agree with that?” wonders Ted.
“Most likely not, they love your type of
“Once we find our home is no longer ours because the
“You must take action,” Mars Man says. “Even if you are not Republican. Just to save your home from those nasty droppings, loud gnawing, and demolition of wires and cables in your attic.”
Also, to save your kids from dangerous diseases, and to keep your sanity and healthy sleep.”
“But to play the devil’s advocate, what about those poor
“Sure,” Mars Man says. “And soon they’ll want more space in your house, skid through your bedroom with their many kids in their wake, and ask for house-membership and your money to buy more cheese, peanut butter, marshmallows and other drugs free of traps.”
“Why would your Venetians let them in then?” asks Frank.
“To get more votes, beat the
“Gee, that sounds so much like us on Mother Earth,” Ted observes. “It must be an alien habit turned earthly.”
“And next they claim citizenship of your attic,” Mars Man warns. “Kathryn knows, but she does not want to admit it openly. She’s afraid that the Miceans will attack her under the table in a restaurant, saying she is racist.”
“So
“I have just texted my wife we are installing a deep-rooted fence around our yard,” Ted announces. “Our neighbors objected when I explored the idea with them because they found it racist. I told them they could have all the
“We will do the same,” Frank says. “I have a team to plug all the holes around the house and put bab wire at the edges of our the lawn. No more friendly welcome signs. It will also keep my in-laws at bay.”
“That’s the issue,” finalizes Kathryn. “The
The show closes and the tweets run amok. Maxi and Maxine were deported once more, with their offspring. But the authorities expect them back,
ENCHANTÉ – THE PANEL CRAZE
Looking at today’s TV news, I felt inclined to repeat a column of last June
We are back with Tom and Fred, this time invited by World Wide Network to form a panel on important daily political matters.
“Fred, how are we going to do this?”
“Simple, Tom, you make a point and I make a counterpoint. We never agree because the opposite side must always be right, whatever side you are on.”
“But if I agree with you because you make more sense, why shouldn’t I say so?”
“Because you get fired if you do. It’s like a sports game, boy. You’re not supposed to kick the ball into your own goal. You must kick me as hard as you can, regardless of whether I’m right.”
“But isn’t that ridiculous? If I make sense, you wouldn’t agree with me?”
“Of course not. That’s how it works. You have fans on your side, and I have fans on mine. Each side wants the other to lose as badly as possible. Scorched Earth. That’s politics. It’s a sports game, the American way. Each side gets paid for making crushing opposite points. Otherwise, the viewers get bored.”
“Which side are you on?”
“The opposite of yours.”
“But which is it, left or right?”
“If you show me yours, I show you mine.”
“But does WWN not want to know first what yours is?”
“They will only tell me if they’ve seen yours first.”
“Can we switch panes when you like mine better?”
“For the viewer, left of the anchor is right, and right of the anchor is left. Don’t confuse people. They want to see which side you’re on.”
“What side is the anchor on?”
“Tom, don’t be stupid. It’s WWN that pays their salary. They talk WWN’s side.”
“How much do they pay?”
“The more they like yours or mine, the more they pay you or me.”
“Do they give equal time?”
“They may or may not. If you crush me or them, they may let me pay back twice.”
“Geez, Fred, this is really like Monday Night Football without referees or line backers.”
“It is, or more like national wrestling or kick boxing, male or female.”
“So this is how people in Congress live?”
“And what tax payers pay for. Your tax money is like buying tickets for the games. And to beat up each other in the streets if you lose.”
“What about those election slogans then, stronger together or America first?”
“Well, Tom, those are essentially sports terms. The political teams fight it out, either to show they’re stronger than the other, or to become first.”
“So we must fight it out on TV too?”
“Sure, if you want to get paid. Not physically, of course, like that guy in Montana, but by blabbing better and faster than your opponent, while keeping a straight but very false smile, as if you are the friendliest bastard or bitch ever.”
“Do we train for this before we start?”
“Don’t have to. Just look at today’s TV and you get the message.”
“Which side do I chose?”
“Just wait which side the anchor puts you. Then, whatever he or she wants you to comment on, you take the left or right side of his/her point of view. The truth does not matter. Nobody knows what that is anymore anyway.”
“But I don’t know in traffic sometimes what left or right is.”
“Doesn’t matter, as long as you take the opposite side. You’re insured by the media.”
“Fred, I’m going to sign up and hate you.”
“Me too, Tom, I hate you already.”
ENCHANTÉ – KILLING DEEP THROAT
The Hullahoo Bar is crammed with patrons at the counter. Ted, Frank and their regular raucous friends crowd around the half-circle, arguing testily.
“Yes,” Ted says. “I am writing a new book titled ‘Killing Deep Throat’. I’m fed up with this DC bureaucracy boiling up all this crap. I’m going to drain that swamp with the successful Killing Libido Pill and write how we did it.”
“You mean if you suck out all the libido from the system you actually will stop it from regurgitating hatred, obstruction, resistance and fake news?” Frank roared, laughing.
“Exactly,” Ted confirms. “You saw the results of my KLP book: the anti-viagra virus. Much better than that stuff about aging young. Tell me, you guys, don’t you feel relieved after taking the KLP, that you don’t have that urge anymore to go after women ?”
“I give you that,” Bert says. “But how do you apply that to killing ‘Deep Throat’?”
“I have researched it in-depth,” Ted explains. “Deep-throat people are the ones that constitute the megacenter of the swamp. They are all sexually frustrated by ED, inability to perform in bed or having to fake it, and jealous of men that are successful with women or women successful with men. Just look at the mainstream media anchors, always a man and a woman, each competing for being the most obnoxious gofer on the screen. If the guy takes the KLP, he instantly loses his drive to be more obnoxious than the female anchor.”
“But then you’d be left with those pesky females and nothing would change,” Bert says.
“The female anchor will lose her nerve because she’d feel she is no longer pursued. That frustrates her natural instincts. Look at our female friends here, how annoyed and inoperative they are because they get no free beers or Martinis anymore. True, Angie?”
“Don’t put me on the spot, Ted KLP,” Angie retorts. “All that gallantry you guys were displaying was only with one purpose in mind and that’s bedding me or her.”
“How would you impose that KLP on anchors?” Henry of The Washington Post asks.
“By mixing it in their coffee machines,” Ted says. “We have an army of paid KLP operators that serve these studios, government and newspaper offices. You don’t drink coffee? No problem, they mix it in the watercoolers. Just watch your offices at the Post, Henry. Don’t feel that horny anymore? You may already have been swallowing KLP.”
“And who pays for that?” Cindy asks, always on the money.
“The National Health Institute,” Ted says. “They have a stake in the matter because the growing political divide in the US is ruining the country’s national health and sharply increasing Medicaid and Medicare costs for psychiatrical care and domestic disputes. We’re expanding into the FBI, the Justice Department, even the Defense Department and the catacombs of the White House. You will soon hear that that FBI lover couple will disband because that stork guy has been klpeed and the whole case will come tumbling down.”
“This is pure subversion of democracy,” Henry says. “I’ll expose you and your group as underminers of the Me 2 movement, the new platform of the Democrat party.”
“What nonsense,” Ted balks. “You mean I undercut Me 2 if I KLpee the guys they’re fighting, the Weismans, Roses, Lauers and Cosbys? You mean that to remain relevant M2 needs these guys back into the limelight somewhere so that they can continue barking at them?”
“Precisely,” Henry says. “Your group must emanate from the right that opposes sinful movements. Me 2 welcomes freedom.”
“What has that got to do with Killing Deep Throat, Ted?” asks Frank.
“I’m positive that all this political wrangling is sex-related,” Ted says. “Why is the special prosecutor so interested in that playboy girl instead of that silly Russian collusion? I’m sure that if we klpee him he and his case would disintegrate.”
Henry slammed his fist on the counter. “I oppose that because it would destroy all the media fun.”
“You see?” Alicia yelps across the counter. “You perverts only like to write about porn to sell your paper and you don’t care a fig about making America great again.”
“Hah!” Henry yells back. “We write it because you want to read it, and if we wrote only about the low unemployment rate you wouldn’t buy the paper.”
Ted scoffs. “Watch your Keurig coffeemaker, Henry. Soon you’ll be only interested in writing about the unemployment rate.”